Friday, December 11, 2015

Star Wars Original Trilogy Full Commentary Part 1: A New Hope

Star Wars: The Force Awakens hits theaters in seven days, and we're officially making this week Star Wars Week. To kick off the celebrations, I'll be doing a full commentary on all three movies in the original trilogy, ending with my overall thoughts on the films. Today, I'll be taking a look at the first installment, Episode IV: A New Hope.

A couple things before we begin:

1. I’m watching the DVDs of this trilogy, which are the infamous Han-DIDN’T-shoot-first versions. So it’s not my fault if it’s blasphemy.

2. This is only the second time I’ve seen these movies since I was tiny and too young to understand or remember them. I am not in any way a Star Wars expert. I don’t know the names of everything, and Star Wars aficionados may notice me get facts or terminology wrong, but that's okay. We're just here to have a good time.

Quick glossary of some MBTI terms, since I mention them in the commentary:

Fe = the desire to help, protect, or please other people. 
Fi = devotion to ideals. 
Ti = devotion to logic. 
Ni = a deep, subconscious connection to the universe around us. 
Si = devotion to tradition. 
SJs = people with very high Si.

Let’s go.

Episode IV: A New Hope

Alright. The narrative text opening is going to give us the lowdown on the backstory. Except–

Hmm, okay. Well. I guess I’ll have to wait until it scrolls out a bit.

But then, when I wait until it scrolls out enough for a whole line to be on screen…

Oh, well. Who needs backstory anyway, amirite?

One thing I do remember about watching these movies as a kid is I would try to read the words at the beginning but I couldn’t and I would start crying and then my parents would get angry. Good times.


A couple more things I remember about watching these as a kid:

1. When we first see the droids at the start of the film, there’s another, more lightly-colored protocol droid that I always assumed was C-3PO’s girlfriend, and I always wondered why we never got to see her again.

2. I would also look at C-3PO throughout the movies and say “C-3PO is me isn’t he” and then my parents would be confused but I was not confused.

So, Leia gives a message to R2D2, and the two androids escape. And they’re not caught because “no life” is detected in their little pod. Very clever of them. But very stupid of THEM.

Leia is amazingly pro-active for a damsel in distress. Her first argument between her and Darth Vader sounds no different than when two male characters argue about political plot issues in modern films, which is cool. She is SUCH a politician.

“If word of this gets out it could generate sympathy for the rebellion in the senate.” Okay, is it just me or does this guy’s accent sound SO MUCH like John Wayne’s?

The two droids end up separating in the desert, only to be reunited when kidnapped by the scary flashlight eye people.

C-3PO claims to know 6 million languages, but he talks to the flashlight-eye people in English when they are clearly talking to each other in some other language.

Uncle Owen looks weirdly similar to how Mark Hamill looks now, even though he looks nothing like how Mark Hamill looked then. Psychic casting director is psychic.

We treat R2D2 like a person, but no one mourns the red R2 unit when it explodes.

Luke is one of my sons by the way. I love him in a way similar to how I love one of my Gotham sons, Bruce Wayne. They both do that thing where they TRY to save the world using the information they have, but they have so little information, and what little information they do have is usually wrong. Like when Bruce thinks he can save all the poor people in Gotham by just using a little of his own money to buy them clothes, and Alfred and Jim are like, “Shut up, son. You mean well but you are just so stupid.” That helpful naiveté gets me every time. It’s like –

Naïve Person: “I have thoughts. And the thoughts make sense?”
Everyone Else: “Um…lol”

Like all ExFJs when you place them on an isolated farm in the middle of an alien desert, Luke has become extremely whiny and a little bit odd. It’s like in The Sims when you’re so busy feeding your sim and sending him to bed that you forget to make him talk to other sims, and then his Socialization Meter hits zero, and he starts getting really cranky and weird until he finally literally goes crazy and needs to be visited by a therapist. I think Luke has basically reached that point. He’s playing with a toy spaceship, making it zoom through the air like he’s literally six years old and he needs help.

Luke has such an American accent too. But not just an American accent. A full-on apple pie leave it to beaver northern-midwestern American accent. Which is weird considering Mark Hamill is not from the Midwest, but instead was born in California about an hour from my house.

C-3PO says he’s not very good at telling stories. Ewoks would disagree

“She’s beautiful!” Luke says of Leia, while looking at a tiny, pixilated hologram of her

“I guess you’re too small to run away on me if I take this off.” Because small things can never escape. This is why we never bother putting small pets (who are much smaller than R2) in cages. We let them run around the house freely. But they don’t. They stay put. Because they are so small.

C-3PO is hilariously mean for such a frightened and proper droid.

“Have its memory erased.” You know, I love how responsible Uncle Owen is with droids he knows contains vital life-or-death war information. What a guy.

Uncle Owen tries so hard to make Luke an SJ, but he just CAN’T. I mean, Luke’s definitely developed his Si, being raised by such SJs. But enough Si to carry on the family farming business just because it’s the family business? No. But Owen just can’t accept that. I kind of doubt he would ever let him go. “I can’t let him off this farm! The minute he steps foot off this land he will turn into Darth Vader the Sequel!”

The infamous sunset scene. I like how the most iconic scene in this film is the one in which absolutely nothing happens. Gotta love those pretty colors though.

Wait?!?! R2D2 is…gone??? How??? He is so small? But he can still like…move around??

“…Where is Luke???” I know, right? He’s so small. He couldn’t have run away. I think I know where Luke’s logic comes from.

And there are the walrus men with gas masks. Yes, I know what they’re really called. But why call them that when I have the opportunity to call them walrus men with gas masks? But more importantly, I LOVE the SPACE BISON. Apparently they’re called a Bantha. Love it. I just want to /look/ at them. I want one of my VERY own.

“There are dangerous creatures coming. LET’S GO LOOK AT THEM, YEAH?”

“They’re sand people alright. I can see one of them now…” ….RIGHT in front of you about to kill you. Get some glasses, son.

No matter what else, though, Luke is uncommonly good at rolling away from those weapon strikes.

wait why is he unconscious. it never showed him get hit on the head

*squints in Obi-Wan’s face* “…BEN…???” I said he needs glasses. I said so.

The fact that Obi-Wan doesn’t recognize the droids, even in this “edited to fit the prequels” version, shows just how invalid the prequels really are.

“I haven’t gone by the name of Obi-Wan since long before you were born”. Actually you were still going by that name on the day he was born. I SAW IT IN THE–oh wait, the prequels.

“Wull den da droid duz belung dyoo.” Luke could not sound more drunk right now. This somehow ties in to how he mysteriously became unconscious a few minutes ago I know it

I love Obi-Wan’s face when the Sand People bellow again. I think he’s supposed to look worried for their safety, but instead he just looks super done.

Like an annoyed parent whose child just knocked over a vase again.

C-3PO: “I’m DONE FOR.” Why? Because you fell down?

Obi-Wan: “Your uncle lied to you about your father.” Luke: “Oh nice. Wait. You fought in the Clone Wars?” BOY.

He’s so busy swooshing that light saber idk if he’s even listening

Okay NOW he’s starting to ask about his father. He’s so apathetic about people lying to him though. Which is probably why people lie to him so often and so guilt-free.

“Obi-Wan died about the same time as your father” “Darth Vader betrayed and murdered your father” It’s funny how changing your lifestyle or personality = death to these people. Also, Luke shouldn’t believe a word any of them say but he will. LOOK AT THAT FACE.

That is the face of someone who will believe you. Even if you tell him you are lying to him.

*Obi-Wan sees Luke use Si* “That’s your uncle talking.” /yes/ See. Obi-Wan’s magic Ni sees right through that

“How am I going to explain all this to my uncle?” Just go train to be a Jedi and have someone tell him you died. It’s not a lie by their logic anyway

The guy Vader almost strangles looks a lot like my orthodontist

Luke suddenly jumps into his speeder and just leaves Obi-Wan and the droids there. Amazing.

The scene that awaits Luke when he gets back home is just…the worst thing. Luke, who is the most innocent person in the universe spending his whole life on a farm and never seeing anything terrible, has an ordinary happy morning and leaves the house FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS and when he comes back, not only is his home IN RUINS and his legal guardians DEAD, their charred, smoking, horrifying skeletons are lying there smoldering as if they’ve just been laid out there for the effect, for the sole purpose of traumatizing him. It’s so extreme it’s almost morbidly funny.

Luke doesn’t have the time or the desire to emotion. So he immediately channels all the hurt and anger into this unstoppable Fe and desire to save the universe and goes with Obi-Wan.

Leia being interrogated. What does that injection DO?

Obi-Wan and Luke with their sassy gangster poses atop that cliff.

Are those tiny dinosaurs???

Re: the “these aren’t the droids you’re looking for” scene: I’ve known some weak minded people I could do that to without the force.

I always wonder if the Jedi mind trick would work on Luke at this point. I know it’s mean but I’m CURIOUS

Why doesn’t the bar serve droids? They’re the least offensive things in this building. “No, we don’t serve droids. Droids are too offensive. We only serve non-offensive people like SATAN”

Elephant #1 –

I love Luke’s subtle, uninterested sass. There’s an alien with a butt mouth–

–and his disfigured friend. And the disfigured friend randomly goes up to Luke like, “My friend HATES you ♥ ”And instead of freaking the heck out and stammering something unintelligent because he knows he’s about to get beat up or straight up murdered, he’s just nonchalantly like “*shrugs*…sorry. :P ” and goes back to his business like a baby boss.

“This little one’s not worth the effort.” Because you know what they say about the small ones. They can’t run away. Because they are so small

As a kid I just thought these were really tall babies.

I love how Obi-Wan doesn’t even consider the idea of Luke piloting anything at all even though Luke seems to think it’s a valid option.

Han is talking to Greedo. And I’d like to point out that this version of the movie doesn’t translate what alien characters say at all? Unless you watch it on the computer? And then it does? But it doesn’t in an actual DVD player? That’s actually far more annoying to me than the fact that Greedo shoots first. Unless I’m on my computer, all I get out of this scene is: “greebookachakalacha.” “Yeah, I bet you have.”

“Her resistance to the mind probe–” NO NOT THE MIND PROBE. wait that’s the wrong sci-fi fandom.

“I’m not sure what all this trouble is about but I’m sure it must be YOUR FAULT” ugh he’s the /WORST/

A scene between Jabba and Han. And again. It. Does. Not. Translate. “beekamakucheeka” Yeah nice, whatever y’all are saying

Elephant #2 –

*cue the “the Banthas were elephants too!” comments* i KNOW

“WHAT A PIECE OF JUNK.” fave line

C-3PO: “Hallo sir.” Han: “…e_e ”

THE STORMTROOPERS APPROACH THE ELEPHANT SPY. “Which way?” “zxwzxzxwzxwzwxw” “Alright!”

Han has zero Fe and Luke doesn’t trust him AT ALL

There are dangerous aliens everywhere, and Luke has suddenly violently lost everything and been flung from all he knows into space where an evil empire is pursuing him and shooting at him while he’s in a spaceship piloted by a mercenary he doesn’t know or trust. You’d think he would be terrified. And he IS. But he’s putting a super bold face on it, and doing it famously like an ExFJ. In other words, by being slightly angry at everyone all the time while also trying to help people who don’t want or need his help. Especially since he knows nothing about real spaceships and Han knows everything. “Excuse me, expert person? Tell me what all of these devices are so that I can tell you how you are using them wrong, because I need to be helpful, and I am very helpful when I’m telling you the things you do wrong.” My fAVORITE PEST.

Alderaan looks weirdly like earth. I wonder if they did that on purpose so that the audience would sympathize with Leia more when seeing it destroyed.

They’re so oblivious to everything Han does.

Luke and Obi-Wan are doing some training exercises together. And like always when two NFJs get together, the conversation turns to Ni. Instead of using his eyes to see what he’s doing like his SJ relatives do, Obi-Wan teaches Luke to use his gut feelings and special connection to the universe in order to defeat the blasty thing. And Ti-user Han is like “okay but facts? And logic???”

“She lied! She LIED to us!” WHAT? /LYING/ to the bad guys who want to kill everyone you love? HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE

“Alderaan is gone???”
“There’s another ship coming. :| ”
“Maybe THEY know what happened!”
Luke. You would stop and ask Darth Vader for directions, wouldn’t you?


“You can’t win.”

“But there are alternatives to fighting”

“Such moon. Very big. Wow.”

If I was a stormtrooper, I would definitely fall into that hole in the floor

“I sense something…something I haven’t felt since…” Since your wife was dying and giving birth and you were screaming and making a meme

Luke is so small and lost as a stormtrooper

“Where are you taking this…thing…” *everything descends into madness*

You gotta love how incompetent Luke and Han really are through all of this, and how they still manage to succeed in everything. The Empire must not be that impressive if they can be taken down by two young men making stuff up as they go along and getting no help from anyone except two very married robots.

“Haha situation normal~ How are you?”

Luke finally finds his sister and looks at her in a way he will regret later

Why does Leia call Han “flyboy” if she hasn’t known him long enough to know he’s a pilot yet?

Han: “Wonderful girl you got there.”
*sort-of dramatic music*
Luke: o_o
Han: “Either I’m going to kill her or I’m starting to like her.”
Luke: O____O

I wonder which of those options is worse in Luke’s mind.

Luke’s voice goes full-on Joker multiple times in the trash compactor scene. That’s the only reason why I believe this tiny child is actually Mark Hamill

Stormtroopers really are weak-minded if they just automatically believe everything C-3PO says

Han: “No reward is worth this.” Luke: “???”

Leia is truly badass though

Stormtroopers: “WHAT WAS THAT.” “that was nothing.” they are truly stupid. Also, they just start running because Han starts chasing them??

“Find the controls that extend the bridge!” “I think I just blasted it. =/ “ GREAT SON

The fight between Obi-Wan and Darth Vader is extremely weird because Obi-Wan clearly loses on purpose. I mean, I get the whole “If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you could possibly imagine” thing. But he is clearly trying to survive the fight and talk Darth Vader out of killing him UNTIL HE SEES LUKE IS WATCHING and then he purposely dies. Why? Why does he WANT Luke to see him die? Especially since the shock and loss Luke feels after seeing the death of his mentor makes Luke extremely vulnerable for when the stormtroopers and Vader inevitably turn to fight HIM a few seconds later.

Okay, one pet peeve I have about some Star Wars fans is they sometimes complain about how “Leia was FORCED to sit and comfort Luke just because Obi-Wan died, when her entire PLANET was destroyed just a few minutes ago! Wow, Luke and Han are such inconsiderate sexist pigs” Okay first of all–

Do Luke and Han even KNOW she lost her planet a few minutes ago? Last I heard, they were looking for Alderaan, got super confused because they couldn’t find it, and then got distracted when they were pulled in by the enemy’s ship. If Han and Luke don’t KNOW that she’s going through loss, they obviously can’t take it into account. And second of all–

None of that even matters anyway because Han and Luke DID NOT MAKE HER COMFORT ANYONE. No one asked her to do anything. There were not even any hints or meaningful looks thrown her way. There was no pressure, no insinuations she should do something. Luke literally went off by himself quietly in the corner to think. And being a kind, empathetic person, SHE chose OF HER OWN FREE WILL to comfort him. IT’S A CUTE FREAKING SIBLING MOMENT LEAVE ME ALONE

The shootout between the trio and the enemy ships is totally a video game and I want to play it. Someone please tell me I can play it, complete with the swivel chair

C-3PO literally cannot utter a single statement without insulting someone. Usually R2.

I like Han okay until he has any kind of scene with Leia, and then he just descends into annoyingness and stupidity.

“I wonder if he really cares about anything.”
“*I* care!!!!”
teRRIBLE. I’m pretty sure Luke has never talked to a girl before.

Luke trying to make sure Han doesn’t like Leia and getting teased for it. HE IS SO TRANSPARENT AND SUCH AN EASY TARGET. I’d tease him for it too probably

Wow, these actors do surprisingly well with such cardboard dialogue. Never say a Star Wars actor is a bad actor. Not a single one of them. (at least, in the original trilogy) They work miracles and make this unnatural script sound like something humans would actually say.

Luke wants to be friends with Han SO BADLY. Also, he tries to be angry at Han but he just CAN’T

Luke has this weird loyalty to R2D2.

Also, C-3PO worrying about R2D2 like he’s his wife.

Luke: “I lost R2!” You can LITERALLY see worry and mourning on C-3PO’s unchanging metal face how

Luke looks terrified. I’m surprised he can be of any use at all here.

But it turns out he can be more than useful. HE CAN WIN THE WHOLE FREAKING THING. Even with the loss of his best friend Biggs a few seconds ago, and the death of his mentor also not that long ago, he can still focus enough to WIN THE WHOLE FREAKING THING.

So the good guys defeat the bad guys by shooting into a tiny hole, and it’s super anticlimactic for a fantasy movie. But in a good way. Instead of “FIND AND USE THIS SHINY IMPORTANT GEM OR ARTIFACT THAT WILL BLAST THE ENEMIES AWAY WITH IT’S MAGIC POWER” like it usually is in fantasy movies, it’s more…real. Just a small tactical move, with a focus on Luke’s newfound relationship to the force, and this powerful enemy is taken down in the humblest of ways.

But of course, Darth Vader is conveniently not on the death star when they blow it up. There’s no reason someone as high-profile as Vader would go out and try to take these little rebels out himself except for the fact that Lucas wanted him to survive for the next movie.


C-3PO volunteers to be an organ donor. XD


I want to put them in my pocket. Adorable children. Tiny. I feel like I’m watching Baby Star Wars instead of actual Star Wars.

The fact that Luke smiles knowingly at C-3PO, after Han and Leia had JUST smiled knowingly/flirtatiously at each other, is freaking hilarious


Everyone is clapping and so am I

I just…I just really love this movie

Join us tomorrow when I'll provide commentary for the second movie in the original trilogy, Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back!


  1. SO MANY GOLDEN MOMENTS in this review.

    "Uncle Owen looks weirdly similar to how Mark Hamill looks now, even though he looks nothing like how Mark Hamill looked then. Psychic casting director is psychic."

    And, “Droids are too offensive. We only serve non-offensive people like SATAN.”

    “If I was a stormtrooper, I would definitely fall into that hole in the floor.”
    So much yes.

    “I’m pretty sure Luke has never talked to a girl before.”
    I don’t care if he’s shown doing so in original deleted scenes: head canon accepted.

    I can’t wait to read your recap for Episode V!

    1. Thank you! :D

      "I don’t care if he’s shown doing so in original deleted scenes: head canon accepted."
      Ah, true. That girl who called him "wormie" all the time, right? Although, I doubt she talked to him enough for him to learn much. She certainly wasn't very fond of him. XD