Why I Have a Love/Hate Relationship with 'Kingdom Hearts'

Confession: I am terrible at playing video games. There are only a handful of games I’ve actually completed, and most of them are from the Lego franchise. I get frustrated when games are complicated or the boss levels are almost impossible to beat. I’ll be the first to admit I like easy games--games like Animal Crossing where I can’t lose or Roller Coaster Tycoon where I can just have fun. (Though, I still stress myself playing Roller Coaster Tycoon because I’m worried I won’t reach the objective by the end of the time limit due to tiny, whiny avatars that complain about everything.)

But that doesn’t mean I won’t try to play harder games. I do, and I usually end up screaming and hitting random buttons. Take for instance, the Attack on Titan game. I cannot for the life of me play that game without screaming because I'm afraid a Titan will grab me and eat me. Or Sly Cooper. Those games have some of the worst mini-game type levels, and I have yet to complete one of the games because I cannot survive. (And plenty of frustrated groaning follows.)

Then there’s Kingdom Hearts.

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I first played Kingdom Hearts about ten years ago when I received a used copy of the first game for Christmas. I fell in love immediately. I mean, it was a game all about Disney worlds where you team up with Disney characters. How could I not love it? Plus, the story lines and the new characters are all amazing too. Then I received Kingdom Hearts: Chain of Memories, played it for a short time, and gave up because I didn’t understand how the game worked. I borrowed Kingdom Hearts 2 and Birth by Sleep from a friend and mostly beat those.

Recently, I’ve been playing Kingdom Hearts HD 2.8 Final Chapter Prologue, which consists mainly of Dream Drop Distance. It’s been so fun. I’ve loved the worlds and the story line. I like the Dream Eater buddies and that I can play as Sora and Riku. But I still find issues with the game, as I do with every Kingdom Hearts game thus far.

First, Dream Drop Distance functions with two storylines that crisscross throughout each level. You start as Sora and you have a “drop gauge” that is basically a timer. So for a certain amount of time you go through the levels as Sora until the meter runs out. Then it “drops” you, and you switch to Riku, play through the levels until that meter runs out, and switch. On and on. Which is cool because, as I said before, I can play as both. But it’s also irritating because just when I get going in the level, get used to the commands on Sora’s list and the Dream Eaters I’ve paired with Sora, I drop and have to rethink my entire fighting style. In addition, without fail, I always drop while I’m in the middle of a battle, which means when I drop the next time and pick back up I’m immediately thrown into a frenzy. It’s been stressful. (I also hate that if you leave a “room” or location in a world, usually by accident, and return all the bad guys return and you have to fight them three, four, ten times as you try to figure out where you’re going and/or collect all those dumb treasure chests!)

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In addition, some of the controls of Dream Drop Distance annoy me as well. While the reality shifts are cool, they are hard for me to do because no matter how I hit the circle and triangle button, it always does a command instead of reality shift at least twice before I can hit them correctly. I don’t know if it’s my fingers, the controller, or how the game works, but I get easily frustrated trying to do that function. Also, I always forget I can link-up with my Dream Eaters, so I never use those power-ups, which is a shame because they’re really cool. #wastedpotential (I also like to not pay attention when I’m learning a new skill, so I’m poking around the level going “What do I do!??!” for way too long. That one, however, is on me.)

But the aspect of every Kingdom Hearts game that annoys me the most are the boss levels. Normally the boss levels in the earlier worlds aren’t so bad. As long as my skill level is higher than the level, which it usually is because I like to waste time finding collectibles instead of following the main story line, I’m good. But when I get to the final level with the big boss (usually Xenahort or Ansem or whoever), I get mad. Mainly because I can’t win easily. I have to actually think about the buttons I’m pressing and pay attention to the pattern of the boss’ fighting style. I hate when I get hit a single time and my health drops significantly or when I hit the command for “cure” and Sora or Riku just stand there like an idiot and do nothing (or get hit again by the boss and I die).

Then, after I finally beat the boss after several attempts (and I’ve probably thought about chucking the controller across the room or I’ve laid on the floor and muttered angry curses at the TV), guess what happens next? You have to fight another boss, or the same boss again only this time he’s stronger. And that’s when I get enraged. You’re telling me I just defeated this dude with several health gauges and gave my all and I have to do it again for a bigger boss? Nah, man. Nah. I don’t want that. I want to defeat a boss and move on.

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This has been the case for every Kingdom Hearts game I’ve played so far. While I haven’t played them all, I can’t imagine this pattern would change too much. This is the main reason I never finished Birth By Sleep. I finished the story line for Ventus, but I got to the final boss with Terra and Aqua and could not for the life of me defeat the bad guy. (And since I was borrowing the PSP and game from someone, I had to give it back at some point.)

In addition, after I finished the baddies of Dream Drop Distance, becoming so angry that I was pumping with an adrenaline rush, the game didn’t end. It didn’t end. I still had to play more. And I wanted to scream. Because I already spent way too long wandering the final world with Sora trying to figure out where to go when I just had to jump off the other side of a building rooftop to continue and then fight an annoying bad guy. And then I had to continue?! Nah, man. Nah.

So while I love Kingdom Hearts with my whole heart because the worlds are fantastic and the interactions with Disney characters are exciting, I do get frustrated with the games. Does that mean I’ll stop playing them? Does that mean I’ll give up and never finish? No. I will play. I will finish. I’ll just get super mad about it and scream while I smack the bad guy in the face with my Keyblade.

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What video games frustrate you? 

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GET OUT OF MY SWAMP: Why I'm Still Angry About Shrek 4

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Let me tell you a little story about my eighth birthday party. There I was, newly-turned-eight, running around an arcade with my best friend and eating pizza that had been sitting out a little too long and ice cream that was more sticky drips than iced goodness. Now, my best friend was way cooler than me. I was the quiet one; she was the fun, outgoing one. Everyone liked her, she was athletic, she always had the fun ideas, and, most of all, her parents let her do all the things I wasn’t allowed to do. She was just that cool.

So, all of the stale, chewy pizza is consumed by a room full of hyper seven- and eight-year-old girls, and it’s time to open presents. My little heart was about to burst with excitement. I tore open the first present--from my best friend, of course--and lo and behold, it was a beautiful, new VHS tape of the new movie I kept hearing kids talk about at school. The one my parents wouldn’t get for me to watch, lest it be inappropriate. It was, of course, Shrek.

I went home, I watched it, I loved it. I watched it again. And again. And again and again and again until I could quote the entire thing from memory, prompting my cousin to make fun of me as I mouthed every line along with the film.

I got older. I understood more of the jokes. I loved the next one. And the next one. I mean, Eric Idle and John Cleese? Justin Timberlake as whiny, high-school-aged Prince Arthur? A literal punk-rock princess and a Zorro cat? Mutant dragon-donkey babies? Random musical numbers?

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The whole franchise was just perfection. A great voice cast, one-liners that just kept coming, real-life situations in a whimsical, parodied setting. I loved all of it. And so, when they announced that they were going to come out with a fourth movie, Shrek Forever After, I was understandably ecstatic.

But then I watched it.

It was one of the biggest cinematic let-downs I’ve ever experienced. It’s right up there with The Lobster and the new MacGyver series and the fact that they’re talking about making a Top Gun 2.

Haven’t they learned? You don’t mess with perfection.

For those of you who haven’t seen it, or, like me, are pretending it doesn’t exist, the plot goes as such: Shrek is going through a midlife crisis at his children’s first birthday party. He meets Rumplestiltskin and trades a day of his childhood for a day of living like a “real ogre.” Things, of course, go terribly awry.

First and foremost, rewriting history is a cheap and lazy plotline. Don’t get me wrong, it can work, if it’s necessary. And done well. Like Days of Future Past. Or It’s a Wonderful Life. But as a general rule--especially in a series--it’s what happens when a writer runs out of other, better ideas. This deal with the devil has been done far too many times for this unoriginal plot to work, and what was the point of my spending three movies getting invested in all the characters only to have them all rewritten in the final installment?

Plus, this Rumplestiltskin is just a bad villain. He’s irritating and fairly useless. I can’t even applaud his scheme because I just don’t like him.

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Second, the entire movie is essentially Shrek throwing a hissy fit, then regretting it. Not a super compelling or involved story arc. They rewrote every character as an opposite for… what? Humor's sake? Because it wasn’t funny. It was a waste of time, money, and effort.

Third--and this, might I say, is by far the most important thing I hated about this movie--I had a much better idea for the plot. And I’m angry it didn’t happen, at least in some capacity, because it seemed the natural next step in the Shrek saga.

Are you ready?

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So, the end of the third movie leaves a teenage King Arthur in charge of a recently ransacked Far Far Away. Supposedly, Prince Charming was crushed by the falling tower, but I don’t buy it. Haven’t you people ever heard of foreshadowing?? The beginning of the film shows Charming performing in a dinner theater, disgruntled and swearing revenge. The show goes sour, the fake tower falls, and Charming is left crouching in terror as it’s shown that he made it through the window opening. As the tower falls in the climactic scene, we see the window falling toward him, much like it did in the beginning. He’s totally still alive, and he hightailed it out of Far Far Away to rebuild an army. Vengeance will still be his.

And you know who we haven’t heard from in a while? Duloc. There is a city, king-less, filled with quasi-Disneyland worker bees who love a good brawl, ripe for the put-out-prince plucking. It’s also, conveniently, a nigh impenetrable fortress.

Naturally, as Charming was hightailing it out of Far Far Away, he should have stumbled into Duloc. He could’ve easily won over the people, used the resources, and mounted war on Far Far Away and its new, inexperienced, loser king. You see where I’m going with this?

We’ve got Far Far Away: Shrek and Fiona would’ve been caught in the middle with their three infant ogres, accidentally catching things on fire. They have a dopey old wizard who’s still fairly effective, plus a whole host of badass princesses. They’ve got the townspeople with pitchforks and torches. They've got a dragon. And now, they’d have at least half of the former villains.

And then there’s Duloc: the ever-persistent Charming would now have a fortress, a dueling ground, and a kingdom. He had time to train people, people who are already used to a bad ruler. Probably half the villains would’ve switched back to his side, leaving room for a whole host of new fairy tale or mythological creatures. He could’ve found Cthulhu. And Nessie. Or Davy Jones. Maybe a celebrity or two. I would’ve 100% watched and loved the heck out of that movie.

Anything. Literally anything would’ve been better than the disaster that they called Shrek: The Final Chapter. Not making it would have been better.

But.

I have it on good authority that a Shrek 5 is going to be released. Because why wouldn’t it be? That being said: if this somehow gets in front of somebody important at DreamWorks, and if you’re still looking for ideas, consider mine. Please. I’m holding out my last few hopes for you, Shrek 5. Please don’t disappoint.

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What did you think of Shrek 4? Are you hoping for anything from Shrek 5?

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