Saturday, May 27, 2017

Top 10 Creepiest Disney Songs

Everyone knows that Disney is the family-friendly, happy-go-lucky, songs-for-a-good-day company. Their parks are the happiest places on earth. Everything is fun, everything is sweet, everything is rainbows and empowerment and sass. That is, until it's not.

The Disney villains have really been falling down on the job recently. I mean, Tamatoa has possibly the best villain song ever--it's Lin-Manuel Miranda and Jemaine Clement... how could it not be? But he doesn't quite have that creeptastic villain feel that the puppy-murdering Cruella DeVil did, you know? But she's not even the worst of them. Or, at least, her song is nothing special as far as bone-chilling, decidedly-not-family-friendly songs go. But these songs... these songs still don't quite sit right with me, especially for being in movies meant for children.

10. Night on Bald Mountain

An amazing orchestral piece, "Night on Bald Mountain" is made incredibly creepy with flying skeleton ghosts and fire and bats and flashing dark colors and an evil, grinning, glowing-eyed... thing. Among other creepy things. If I had seen this as a child, I would have had nightmares for months.

9. The Walrus and the Carpenter
Alice in Wonderland

I hate the Disney cartoon version of Alice in Wonderland. It has always creeped me out, and it's nothing like Lewis Carroll's work of genius. But this song takes the cake out of all the creepy moments in this film. It's all light-hearted nonsense, except they're literally eating the oysters alive. The baby oysters with scared baby faces. It's sickening.

Little Oysters? Little Oysters? But answer there came none, which was scarcely odd because they'd been eaten, every one!

8. Jack's Lament
The Nightmare Before Christmas

Okay, okay, so this song isn't actually that creepy. It's actually one of my favorites from the entire movie, and, as such, I'm using it as a stand in for all the much creepier songs that make up that entire movie and deserve a list of their own. Danny Elfman's voice, though. That man is talented.

And since I am dead, I can take off my head and recite Shakespearean quotations.

7. Poor Unfortunate Souls
The Little Mermaid

A sea witch who writes up contracts that take what a person holds most dear? Gee, that's not terrifying. Ursula has honestly never seemed like that much of a creepy villain to me--I mean, Ariel just made really bad decisions. And then, you know, kept making them. But then I listened to this song a little more closely, watched the video a little more intensely. Those sniveling things? A few of her poor, unfortunate souls. And the worst part of it is that she doesn't think she's doing anything wrong. She thinks she's benevolent. You can't reason with people without a conscience, without a soul.

And do I help them? Yes, indeed.

6. The Army of the Dead
The Black Cauldron

This song doesn't have words, and it's not a traditional "Disney song," I know. But people don't talk about this movie enough. The Horned King, with his red, glowing eyes and skeleton frame? The literal army of the dead that even the rats are afraid of? And they can wield weapons? Seriously? This is a kids' movie??

5. Pink Elephants on Parade

This song has always terrified me. The soulless, eyeless, self-creating elephants? The creepy music? "Look out"??

I could stand the sight of worms and look at microscopic germs, but technicolor pachyderms is really too much for me.

4. The Mob Song
Beauty and the Beast

There's nothing like a little mob mentality to lighten up a movie about Stockholm Syndrome and bestiality... I mean, about learning to love people despite their differences. I actually do enjoy this film, but every time I reach the mob song, it takes me a little by surprise. It's so dark, so demented. And so possible, given human nature. He's not like us, so we'll kill him. That's probably the most terrifying thing about this song: it could totally happen. Has happened, many times.

If you're not with us, you're against us!

3. Heffalumps and Woozles

Now, I hate this song for multiple reasons. One, it's terrifying. As a child, I wouldn't watch it. As an adult, I still skip it when it comes on. Two, it's unnecessarily terrifying. What does this song really accomplish in a fun romp through the Hundred Acre Wood? And three, what a way to ruin one of my favorite books. A.A. Milne's Winnie-the-Pooh stories are possibly my favorite children's stories in existence. And Disney just had to go and add multicolored, nightmare-inducing elephants. As if "Pink Elephants on Parade" wasn't enough. Did you really need two of them, Disney? /rantover/

They're far, they're near, they're gone, they're here...

2. Savages

Ooooh, we're getting into racism and blind hatred here. Heavy stuff. We touched on it with the mob song, but it's just right up in your face here. I get that that's what happened in history (Disney-fied, of course), but did they really have to put it into song? It puts in front of children the idea that if strangers are different, we should kill them. It also puts in front of them the words, "dirty shrieking devils," so you know, yay Disney!

They're not like you and me, which means they must be evil.

1. Hellfire
The Hunchback of Notre Dame

This is by far my favorite Disney villain song ever. It's haunting. It's beautiful. It's terrifying. Basically Frollo likes a girl, but he's a priest. And also she's a gypsy. So, you know, he damns her to hell. Naturally. Kids' stuff.

Destroy Esmerelda and let her taste the fires of hell, or else let her be mine and mine alone.

What do you think? Did I mention the songs that scarred you as a child? Let me know in the comments!


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