SCENE ONE: Lexa's basement. (Or does it belong to Titus? I don't know.)
Murphy: Why do 87% of my scenes involve torture?
Titus: Tell me about the sacred symbol on this tiny pill.
Murphy: Crazy Ex-Chancellor Jaha wanted me to swallow it, and I didn't want to. That's literally all I know.
Titus: You lie.
SCENE TWO: Space. The final— no wait. Space: The 13th Ark Ship, Polaris. 97 years ago. Becca (Remember her? ALIE is her AI doppelganger? Glad you didn't totally forget about her) is cooing to a microchip with legs.
Becca: This is the greatest invention since sliced bread.
Chris [The dude who shot himself in the video Murphy watched]: Becca, we have a problem.
Becca: Everything's going great, I'm in space playing with artificial intelligence, what could go wrong?
Chris: The artificial intelligence I'm playing with just ran away from home.
Becca: Oh, no.
Chris: She's in China now, launching IBMs at the United States.
Chris: So. Yeah. Anyways.
Becca, Becca's lab partner (although we never actually see her do anything scientific, so she could be the maid for all I know), and the Commander watch in horror as the apocalypse happens down below.
SCENE THREE: Polis. Everyone is gathered in the council room to celebrate Ascension Day. It's a good day. It's a holiday. It's interrupted when the Trikru villagers from the last episode stagger in, holding Octavia prisoner.
Lexa: !??? TITUS, THIS IS A HOLIDAY.
Titus: Shhh, this is important.
Clarke: Hi, Octavia.
Semet, the Trikru Village Leader: The Arkadians killed my village, and we must retaliate.
Lexa: But see, we have this whole 'blood must not have blood' thing going on, and—
Semet: What!? Commander, you used to love killing!
Lexa: AND I STILL DO! I just ...um.
Semet: This stinks. I'm going to attack you with a knife because I think you're a rotten Commander.
Titus: Let me help you with that.
Semet: Drat, I thought this assassination attempt would work in a crowded room.
Lexa: All clans will surround Arkadia, and if anyone from Arkadia moves past the border, we'll kill them.
SCENE FOUR: Back on Polaris, 97 years ago, in space. No, wait, 95 years ago. It's been a while.
Becca: This new AI will fix everything.
Becca's Lab Partner: ARE YOU CRAZY?
Commander: Look, all 13 stations are just about to join together and they're saying no pets. You can't bring your AI on board.
Becca: BUT NO. IT WILL FIX EVERYTHING.
Commander: The Ark is going to blow us up in sixty seconds if you don't kill the AI.
Becca: I have a better idea. I'm going to pack up the AI, eject a pod, and leave you both to blow up.
SCENE FIVE: In Octavia's temporary bedroom.
Octavia: Hey, so, I need Season 2 Clarke right about now.
Clarke: I'm sorry, Season 3 Clarke is kind of indecisive. Tell you what, though - I'll go talk to Lexa, you stay here.
Octavia: When have I ever 'stayed here'? It's like you don't know me at all.
SCENE SIX: In Lexa's bedroom.
Lexa: Zen. Calm. Stillness. Zen.
Clarke: Hey, so, what about not killing my people?
Lexa: I'm being extremely fair and ridiculously easygoing with your people. How about you realize they're not exempt from justice?
Clarke: Good point. I guess I have to leave with Octavia.
Lexa: Or you could move in.
SCENE SEVEN: Octavia is wandering the streets looking for Indra.
Octavia: THERE YOU ARE. Why do you live in a shack? On the side of the street? This isn't what I envisioned.
Indra: I don't like you anymore.
Octavia: I need Season 2 Indra right about now.
Indra: I'm sorry, but Season 3 Indra is wounded and humiliated.
Octavia: Don't make me give you a Blake Speech because they're really motivating.
Indra: I don't want to hear it.
Octiava: I'm going to say it anyway.
SCENE EIGHT: Back in Lexa's basement.
Murphy: How about you stop torturing me and I'll tell you the story of my people because thanks to the drawings on these walls, it looks like our histories connect.
Titus: I don't believe you.
Murphy: Actually, I'm tired of torture, so I'll give you a history lesson anyway.
SCENE NINE: Back in Lexa's bedroom.
Clarke: So, I'm leaving with Octavia.
Lexa: I hope I see you again at some point.
[Kissing and sexytimes ensue. Sigh.]
Octavia: Well, I guess Clarke isn't coming. I knew it.
Indra: NO, BUT I AM. THAT SPEECH WAS SO GREAT.
SCENE TEN: In Clarke's bedroom.
Clarke: MURPHY! What are you doing here? Why are you tied up in my room? What's going on?
Titus: I have a gun, and I'm going to make it look like your friend here shot you. *shoots wildly at Clarke*
Lexa: I'm making a convenient entrance so you can accidentally shoot me.
Murphy: Who? What? What's happening? Who?
Clarke: You can't die now!
Lexa: Don't worry, Clarke. My fight is over.
Lexa: Watch Fear the Walking Dead, April 10 at 9pm.
Titus: I feel very bad about this, but I need to cut open Lexa's neck, remove the AI chip, and put it in this box so it can choose the next Commander during tonight's ceremony.
Murphy: Can I go home now?
SCENE ELEVEN: Earth, 95 years ago.
Becca: I'M BACK AND I'M REALLY SORRY FOR EVERYTHING.
THE MANDATORY POST-EPISODE RANT
I have conflicting feelings. I was so not on board the Clexa ship that I'm glad to see Lexa gone - but, strangely enough, I actually liked Lexa as a character more than I've liked Clarke this season. So while I’m glad we'll have all that awkward sexual tension out of the way, I'm almost sad to see Lexa go. In that vein, while I'm glad Lexa is gone, I'm irritated at Jason Rothenpill yet again. Why? Because this episode was so incredibly rushed and full of unsurprising plot twists. His writing gets sloppier and sloppier with every episode. What has he done this season to aggravate me?
• He's wrecked Bellamy's character development and thrown one of my favorite character arcs in history down the drain.
• He gave us Roan - an incredibly fantastic, intriguing character - and we haven't seen him in three episodes. Where is he? What is he doing?
• He's making Clarke act like an idiot. She's been the brain of the show for the last two seasons, and now we get…this? I get it. I get that she's an eighteen-year-old girl with conflicting feelings and emotions and way too much stress. I do. But the thing is, she's supposed to be making smart decisions. It's just that the writers of the show don't seem to know what a smart decision entails, and somebody should tell them.
Season Three has been sadly predictable for the most part. I predicted the AI had something to do with the Nightbloods, and I was right - so let's see if my prophetic powers continue. The AI chip is going to choose Clarke as the next Trikru Commander, and Wanheda will become Heda. This will bring Roan back into the storyline but create more conflict with Arkadia, since Trikru and Skykru are already at each other's throats. Is this what I want to happen? No, but it's worst-case-scenario sloppy writing. Come on, Rothenpill, please prove me wrong.
WHAT DID YOU THINK OF THE EPISODE? ANY PREDICTIONS OF YOUR OWN?